A Day In The Mind Of A Shinigami Captain
by Uchiha Xairylle
Summary: You see them out there but you never now if they go OC. The thoughts of each and every Gotei 13 Captain starting from the 13th to the 1st! Kuchiki Byakuya's is now up! HumorCrack. Read and Review!
1. Ukitake Jyuushiro

**A Day In The Mind Of A Shinigami Captain**  
By Uchiha Xairylle

**Chapter 1: Ukitake Jyuushiro**

* * *

_He coughs._

Finally, I'm out of bed. Seriously, I'm going to die from bedsores than this disease. I'm glad they still make me Captain. That's some compliment, isn't it? Of course. Even with this sickly body of mine, I can still beat people senseless with my two swords. It doesn't necessarily mean that being the Captain of the LAST numbered squad means we're the weakest! I was captain of the 13th Squad because when they were deciding upon who will be the Captain of which Squad, I was sick and I couldn't attend the meeting. I ended up with this.

But it doesn't mean I'm incompetent! Even now I am still able to do things although things would've been easier if I had a fukutaichou with me. He could take over when I'm not available.

_He sighs_.

Well, Shiba Kaien was one good fukutaichou and he handled our subordinates well. But he's dead now thanks to that stupid Hollow. I could've intervened, you know, but then again, that's a battle for honour and all that. If I jumped in then it was as good as telling Kuchiki Rukia that "don't mind what I say".

And about Rukia, not that I'm complaining having her in my squad since she's really obedient and useful, but she could've had a brother other than Byakuya! You know what I mean? I was supposed to give her a higher seat but Byakuya walked up to me looking like Sadako and seriously told me not to hook her up in any dangerous missions.

What the hell was that?

Would_you_ like to be Captain for the 13th Squad, too, Kuchiki Byakuya?

And, no, I'm not imitating his hair, excuse me! I have _white_ hair! And he has _black_! I don't even wear kenseikan…

[Because you're not a noble. Hello?

Do I have the longest hair in the Gotei 13 Captain line up? Well, yes, I think. If Tousen "un-locked" his dread locks then he might have something long. I'm not sure if it's as long as my hair.

Oh, wait, Yamamoto-taichou's hair is longer? I'm not sure.

Come to think about it, when did I last get a haircut?

Oh, yes, a long time, since I'm allergic to something in the barber shop.

Can't really remember.

See? I told you I needed a Vice-Captain. Why don't I have one? And why won't anyone suggest that— Oh, wait, I have two Shinigami fukutaichou wanna-be's. They're another reason for me to die early. When I ask them to bring me something, they always bring me twice or more of what I asked for. That is why I always ask for _half_ of what I need because they never bring me something that's just_enough_.

That includes my medication.

"Taichou, take your medication now!"

Even if it's an hour early.

"Taichou, here, my grandmother says this is good for your case!"

I feel like I'm sick with leprosy.

"Taichou, here, drink this! This will make you healthy! It's called Gatorade!"

Gato-what?

"Taichou, put this on your tongue and swallow it and it will help you be strong!"

Why is it named Viagra?

I am going to die of medical overdose one day.

Or perhaps die of under fatigue.

"Taichou, you must be resting!"

I am _not_ a paralyzed man. Every time I get screen time, it's either I have to do something else or everyone's telling me to rest.

"Taichou, please stay in your room!"

The outside air is _good_ for me. And I'm not a bird. Don't cage me.

I have sent for the 4th Squad for how many times now. I've sent them for, oh, dear lord, MERCY. Somebody _must_ save me from all of this. They send in their medical team for me on a daily basis but still, I spend more time with my Vice-Captain wanna-be's than with them. I have to think of reasons and random errands so I could be left alone — in peace.

Silence is nice. Sometimes, I think I get sick from all the noise those two have been making. Whenever they're around me, I lose count of how many times they say the word "taichou". They have said it in countless ways and countless situations and countless reasons.

I don't want to count!

I'm starting to think that I get traumatized from their voices. I mean, just hearing them say "taichou" makes me shiver from within. I might just kill myself or ask Mayuri to make me a fukutaichou.

Yeah, that could be better.

Seriously, why did I have such a sickly character? I could have a ton of fan girls out there if I had not been sickly! I could be as sexy as Kuchiki Byakuya! No, even sexier! Or at least let me have a haircut! My name is Ukitake Jyuushiro and not Samson!

_He coughs again_.

"Taichou! You must be thinking too much! Please rest!"

Maybe I should just kill myself.

Excuse me, I need to play dead.

- End of Chapter 1 -

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Author: As much as I had fun writing this, it was also a challenge. I'll be writing for the other captains. Yes, I might even include Aizen and company. Thank you for reading! Hope you review! 


	2. Kurotsuchi Mayuri

**A Day In The Mind Of A Shinigami Captain**  
By Uchiha Xairylle

**Chapter 2: Kurotsuchi Mayuri**

* * *

Uh-hum… Okay, where does this vein go again? Hee… Here! Okay, let's try it here… Let's then… HOLY CURSES!

"_Nemu! Turn off the machine NOW!"_  
"_Hai, Mayuri-sama."_

Hrrrmph.

I can do this. I can do this or am I or am I not Kurotsuchi Mayuri.

Kurotsuchi Mayuri, Head of Technological Department. My name is synonymous to genius and discovery. Yes, I am proud of myself.

I am a _scientist_. I don't care if you call me deranged or depraved or horrible for as long as it has the word _scientist_ there!

[ How's "Perverted Scientist?"

Hey, you there, I know you're looking into my mind.

No, I'm not clairvoyant. I'm just that _good_.

So what if I wear a weird hat? Can't a man of knowledge and genius know _fashion_? Yes, this is fashion you imbecile! And, yes, I just called you an imbecile! Are you handicapped or do you want me to handicap you?

Stop looking at my hat!

What?

No, I'm not a cowboy, you piece of no-good slime! Don't think I don't know what a cow boy is! It's a guy that rides a cow, I mean, a horse! The guy that rides a bull is a bull rider and I'm neither a bull rider nor a bull! Even if my hat is pointy, its purpose is _not_ to poke people!

"_Mayuri-sama, the specimen is dead."_  
"_WHAT!"_

Great. A _failure_. The tough part of this job is trying to pry something open while trying to keep it alive. Do you know how disappointing it is to open up something with its internal organs not budging? It drives me to the verge of _tears_! And of course, you won't see me cry. One, because I won't let you and two, my face is in black so that covers much.

Why do people think I'm a clown? Just because I wear a weird colour on my face and just because I have weird ears and a weird chin and I smile a lot doesn't mean I'm a clown. So what if I smile a lot? If I scowl, I'm freaky. If I smile, I'm still freaky. What do you want me to do?

Perhaps I should look into several brains and find out.

Besides, you think I'm perverted when I made my own fukutaichou? Do you realize how many Shingami men have come to me and asked me to _make_ them Shinigami wives? And if I tell you the specifications they've given me, you'd rather end up with a nosebleed or a scarred persona_and_ a nosebleed. I think you wouldn't like either of those, would you?

I heard someone say I was fat.

Excuse me?

Not all scientists are fat. I'm not the one who made Rockman or Megaman, mind you.

I take proper vitamins to keep my body fit. I have to be strong and health, you know. How else do you think would I become Captain? Now, I don't know about Ukitake so don't ask me about him. I offered the man some medication but he declined.

Ingrate.

Whatever made _him_ Captain? Long hair? Tsch.

Brilliant.

I could grow my hair long, too, but I don't think I'd like it. I like my fashion in a unique sense. That's that.

And why do I wear large clothes? To stuff things in it, what else? You have to be prepared? Would you believe me if I told you I had a tool box and an operation kit hidden in my coat!

Ha! Got you off guard!

I do have scalpels and crowbars and pliers and scissors and needles and things like those in my coat. You never know when you can come across a good specimen. And a good specimen is something that's _alive_. Especially when it talks! I love talking specimens! Makes me all want to take them home! Communication is very important. It's supposed to be a bond, like an understanding between the both of you. Doesn't really have to be mutual. It's important for me to know where it hurts… Not that I'm going to stop the hurting, though.

And don't think I don't know what it feels to be specimen!

I've experimented on myself, too! Why do you have pity for the other specimens and none for _me_! Now _who's_ being cruel between us, huh!

But not because my body has been experimented on means it has been tarnished and tattered and… and… and…

I have a beautiful body and I regret having you seen it!

Seriously, Nemu should've _closed the door_!

Do I have fans? Do _I_ have fans?

Aside from the ones I've made, well, _yes_ I do have fans… and fangirls! Yes, check deviantart and you're going to see! Hah!

"_Mayuri-sama, the specimen is showing signs of life."_  
"_What? Hurry up and keep it alive!"_

Oh, joy!

"_Mayuri-sama, it's dead again."_  
"_WHAT!"_

What is the wrong? Why can't this frog stay _alive_!

Dang it. It's hard to concentrate when you're in a human world "laboratory" (no, seriously, this is a lab?) and you're surrounded with students trying to dissect a dead frog while _I'm_ trying to dissect a live one.

Crap.

Perhaps I should get that giant frog from the Naruto manga and dissect that in my laboratory.

I am _such_ a genius.

- End of Chapter 2 -

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Author: Trying to be Mayuri is disturbing… although he looks cool when unmasked. And, um, let's just hope he doesn't get his hands on Gamabunta. Yeah. Here's me hoping for a review! 


	3. Zaraki Kenpachi

**A Day In The Mind Of A Shinigami Captain**  
By Uchiha Xairylle

**Chapter 3: Zaraki Kenpachi**

* * *

_Silence_.

Zanpakutou, tell me your name.

_More silence._

Why won't you tell me your name?

I said tell me your name!

Geeeeez, why does everything have to go by the sword but when you talk to a sword, it doesn't want to be a sword. I'm getting sick of this. Talking really isn't my style. Well, unless it's talking someone into fighting then talking is my style. Wait, if I have to fight someone, I just attack. I really don't need to talk…

… Do I?

Well, I talked a bit during that fight with Kurosaki Ichigo.

I think that's the longest script I ever had. Screw the scriptwriter.

Anyway, Zanpakutou, why won't you tell me your name? I want to release you, you know.

Maybe I should just give my Zanpakutou a name.

Screw that. I had hard time thinking about my own name and I had to think up Yachiru's name, too and now _I_ have to think up a name for my own sword? Do I have to do all the thinking around here? Thinking is not my style!

_He sighs_.

Come on, Zanpakutou, won't you want to give me your name so we can beat shit loads out of Kurosaki Ichigo? That'll be a good "Hi and Die!"

Woohoo!

You know I love battles so much! Why won't you cooperate with me?

Wait a minute. Don't tell me you're a peace-lover?

Aw, shit.

Oh, come _on_! Tell me you like to fight, too! Tell me! Tell me!

Why won't you freaking speak to me!

I admit I like to fight very much and I don't really care if I get tattered and torn like the sides of my coat. That's the whole point of fighting, isn't it? So please don't tell me you feel bad because you look like a chainsaw. My reiatsu does the cutting, you know. All you have to do is stay put and let me swing you…

… And give me your name.

What do I have to do for you to tell me your name!

If Kurosaki Ichigo didn't beat me with his sword with a name then I wouldn't be so frustrated with having a nameless sword! What was his sword's name again? Zebra? Zangakutou? Zanzanshi? Zan— Shit, thinking is _so_ not me!

This is why I despise paper work.

The last paper work I was given, I had my subordinates stamp it for me because when I asked Yachiru to stamp my signature on it, she drew stupid things on it. Sometimes, that kid takes the cake and sometimes, she just takes your nerves and breaks it in two! But she's a kid and she knows her Zanpakutou's name.

Her Zanpakutou's pink, for crying out loud!

And me? I'm a big, able man but, screw it all, I can't even learn how to release my Zanpakutou!

I want a Bankai, too, you know!

I know I've never said it but I want a flashy Bankai thing, too! Don't you want to jump into Bankai, too, Zanpakutou? You could be really cool, you know…

… Although you look kind of old.

WAIT! That was a joke!

Even if you're old or young, you could still look cool! At least don't look like that scientist's guys' Bankai or Shikai. It looks like a giant baby fused with a caterpillar. No, seriously. Please don't change into anything like that.

And don't change into a white flag either because that means surrender. And I don't really surrender. I attack. But it doesn't mean you should change into a red flag, too. You'll be so useless if you do that!

If you can't tell me your name, could you tell me what you turn into? Do you grow larger or do you get a face or do you grow limbs? What? What?

You can tell me. I won't tell anybody.

Why won't you talk to me!

Seriously, is this how I should talk to a sword? Maybe I should slash something while talking but that'd end up with me wanting to fight someone or destroying a whole lot of Sereitei. I can't get carried away.

Sheesh, isn't there a Hollow anywhere?

Seriously, Zanpakutou, don't you get bored when we're not out on the field? Well, it'll probably be boring there anyway since the Hollows there aren't much of a challenge. Since my energy is down to 1/5 in the human world, maybe it could pose a challenge for me!

Wait! I have an idea!

Why don't I just go to Hueco Mundo? There are a lot of strong Hollows there! And then I'll beat Aizen and show _him_ who's the man…

He thinks his hair his nice, eh? I'll show him.

You're still aren't going to give me your name?

Fine, I'll call you "Nanashi". It means no name. So until you give me your real name, I'll call you that. So if you don't want to be called that, give me your name.

Okay, Nanashi, let's go to Hueco Mundo and kick some Arrancar ass!

- End of Chapter 3 -

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Author: Wow. I don't know what to say about this chap. Zaraki Kenpachi… Hmm. Interesting Captain. I don't know how I was able to feel like writing about him talking to his sword. Anyway, read and review! 


	4. Hitsugaya Toushiro

**A Day In The Mind Of A Shinigami Captain**  
By Uchiha Xairylle

**Chapter 4: Hitsugaya Toushiro**

* * *

Histsugaya Toushiro, Captain of the 10th Division of the Gotei 13, walks (stomps?) down the halls. His cape was flapping as he moved and his hair, strange as it may seem, did not waver so much. It was probably because he had kept it well-treated.

Not today.

Not today since yesterday, he tried a shampoo. A new one, of all things! Why did he do it? He had no idea. He just saw the thing yesterday and it promised nice shiny hair on regular use. His hair was good and it was soft (though it stood) but he kind of wondered if it were cool to be shiny. So there. He bought the thing.

He had bought a nightmare!

Some strands of his hair were _frizzing_ for some reason. He didn't want to know how many and he had no plans of counting. He just _knew_ it was the shampoo's fault and there was no way he was going to blame freaking static electricity from his reiatsu. That is beyond ludicrous. He wasn't a kid who believed in the Boogey man so there.

Hitsugaya stepped into his room and immediately slid the fusuma closed.

And locked it.

He closed the windows.

And locked them, too.

It was going to be hot but he did not want Matsumoto jumping in on him and asking, "Taichou, what are you doing?" Matsumoto or Hinamori or Yachiru or someone else, he did not care. Hitsugaya just did not want to be disturbed right now.

Hitsugaya looked at his reflection in the mirror. To other people, he looked normal but right now, seemed to have a vision that was able to magnify his hair. He could see the frizzy strands!

Twang!

Crap! There goes several going out of place from his "strategically placed" hair over his forehead. Curl, you god damn thing!

With a grunt, he grabbed a comb nearby and began to stroke his hair. Okay, stay put. Stay put. Stay put.

Twang!

To him it was like a guitar string.

DAMN IT! STAY PUT!

It looked like a broken guitar string. He was not settling for it. He was going at his best and nothing more.

Not that he really had to look handsome but… well… Okay, let's drop that thought. He just wanted everything to be nice and smooth… and somehow perfect.

Nice, smooth and somehow perfect? Great, taichou! Explain Matsumoto Rangiku as your Vice-Captain!

Or are you a pervert?

Am not!

Some people would envy him for having such a well-endowed woman for a fukutaichou. But somehow, Hitsugaya believed that when Matsumoto was created, a lot of spiritual energy had gone to make her chest instead of her brain. To others, it was not a waste. But to Hitsugaya, oh, come on!

Actually, that body and breast of hers was one of the reasons why she became fukutaichou.

Waaaaaaaaait, you don't know the story so don't react yet!

It was probably wrong for him to have announced that he would commence a tournament open to all Shinigami who wanted to be his Vice-Captain. Not wanting to be a sexist, he announced that it was also open to women. And – ho! – Matsumoto Rangiku penned in her name! Big deal.

BIG DEAL!

Histsugaya wanted an all out-war. Everyone attack anyone and everyone else. Either you form groups and beat other people then beat each other or survive alone. But what happened?

Every guy fainted from a _nosebleed_!

GOD DAMN IT!

So what was left? Shinigami women. And among those Shinigami women, Matsumoto was the last woman standing. A boy, erm, man of his word, Hitsugaya announced her as his Vice-Captain.

She had both been a pain in the neck and Vice-Captain material at the same time. Sheesh.

But that wasn't the matter at hand. Right now, he had to fix his freaking hair!

Did everyone have a hair crisis such as him?

He could sometimes hear the women complaining about frizzy hair, dry hair, brittle hair, split ends…

Wait…

Split ends?

Hitsugaya gasped and looked at his hair. Dared he? Two fingers came up and studied two strands.

One. None.

Two. None.

Three. None.

Four, five, six…

Oh, shit, its ends are all split!

Hitsugaya stifled a gasp and stopped himself from backing away. Wait a minute. Why was he so affected?

He paused for a moment to think.

What does it matter! He was affected! His hair was undergoing a crisis!

This was probably a result to him undergoing too much low temperature thanks to Hyouinmaru… Not that he was blaming his sword. Shiro loved his sword.

Shiro?

No, TOUShiro.

That's Hitsugaya-_taichou_ to you.

Okay, okay. Must calm down. This is just hair. Hair, unlike Hollows or Arrancar, can't kill you. Split ends and hair frizzes are now labelled as "Hitsugaya Toushiro's Enemies". And what do you do when you come across an enemy like a Hollow? You kill it. How? You cut it down.

Cut it down! He was _the_ child genius!

Hitsugaya pulled out Hyouinmaru who had just said, "Hold it _right there_ Toushiro."

Right. Hitsugaya sheathed Hyouinmaru. Cutting his hair with a sword was ridiculous. Now, he had to look for scissors. Hitsugaya headed for the drawers. Where had he put those? He had been used to cutting everything with a sword so he barely remembered where he put his scissors… or if he even had them.

Aha!

Hitsugaya triumphantly pulled out a pair of shears. They were a bit larger for his hand but it didn't matter. The sword was almost as large (small?) as he was but he was able to handle it properly. Come on, how hard could it be to give your self a haircut? Besides, he wasn't really going to change his hair style. He was just going to "cut down his enemies".

Which were?

Frizzy hair and split ends.

You are _so_ done for.

After looking for a chair with the proper height, Htisugaya sat in front of the mirror and gathered all the accuracy his mind could provide him.

Snip!

He gasped as he looked at his slowly falling strand of hair.

One down!

Hitsugaya looked determined as he eyed his hair in the mirror.

Only a thousand more to go.

He could live with that.

And Hitsugaya did cut using those shears. He cut the ends. He cut from the roots. He cut where it needed to be cut. Oh, yeah. He could do this. Hitsugaya was so proud of himself. Who said he'd get frustrated over puberty?

Actually, no one said he'd get frustrated over puberty and Hitsugaya's thoughts drifted off until he found himself waking up from his arm on the table. His eyelids fluttered as he awoke and he yawned. He looked in the mirror and what he saw was more than just a nightmare.

He could stand cuts and bruises.

Oh, dear lord! He had a large _zit_ on his face!

Hitsugaya Toushiro would have fainted but then again, he just released a loud aggravated scream.

Try cutting that now, _genius_.

- End of Chapter 4 -

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Author: I think I have to revise the first three chapters since I like the way I wrote this one. And I think I should now change the title to "A Day in the Life of a Shinigami Captain" and now I want to write a fic about Toushiro Hitsugaya! Uwah! Honestly now, favourite characters have a different effect on you. This is somewhat inspired by the 28th Chapter of my first Bleach fic "Oh My Gigai!" If you've read it then THANKS SO MUCH! 


	5. Kaname Tousen

**A Day In The Mind Of A Shinigami Captain**  
By Uchiha Xairylle

**Chapter 5: Kaname Tousen**

* * *

Who the hell was Scott Summers?

Whoever he was, Kaname Tousen was dead sure he was Kaname Tousen and not Scott Summers in tan. No, he was not Cyclops either. Who was that guy? And no, was not Kaname Tousen trying to cosplay a Jamaican Scott Summers in his Asian Cyclops attire.

And who the hell was Eddy Gordo?

Definitely not him. He was Kaname Tousen.

And yet again, he was not Kaname Tousen trying to cosplay Eddy Gordo. Eddy was from Tekken. What the hell was Tekken?

Was that a move? Was that a sword? Was that a place?

Why was he being mistaken for someone else?

So many things unknown to him!

Tousen had been speaking to several souls — those which had died only lately and young and he had been asked the same questions. He had heard the same names, same terms and same reactions.

What was wrong with him?

Tousen looked at him self. Oops. He was blind. Tousen sighed.

What was an Optic Blast?

He had heard from them that it was powerful and that, if used at the right time, it could deal great damage and even eventually kill opponents. The normal one consisted of two hits and… Tousen couldn't remember the rest except that it required visors.

Who used that technique again?

Right, Cyclops.

Who was Cyclops?

Oh, yeah, Scott Summers.

And who the hell was Scott Summers?

For the nth time, Tousen told himself that he did not know who Scott Summers was! When was this guy going to _die_ so he could meet him! He was at the edge gnashing his teeth against his nails from holding back from dispatching anything or anyone to look for this "Scott Summers". He had tried and he had found several people with the name only they had no clue about how to execute an Optic Blast. Well, there were several who _weren't_ Scott Summers and yet knew how to do an Optic Blast except that they weren't of any help at all.

An Optic Blast is a half circle going forward and a punch.

What did that mean?

An Optic Blast is down to forward and then a punch.

That didn't help at all.

It was all so confusing!

So instead of thinking of that Kaname Tousen decided to just sit down and relax. Or maybe he could ask Aizen? No. If he did, the now "King of Hueco Mundo" would probably ask Grimmjoww to cut his arm because of a stupid question.

Oh, well…

But seriously, what was an Arcade?

- End of Chapter 5 -

* * *

Author: Kaname Tousen's was short simply because I know little to nothing of him. –slumps- I am so miserable. 


	6. Kyouraku Shunsui

**A Day In The Mind Of A Shinigami Captain**  
By Uchiha Xairylle

**Chapter 6: Kyouraku Shunsui**

* * *

Shunsui wanted to curse his fashion but couldn't. Somehow, his flamboyant ways are going to cost him. It will but, hopefully, not now.

Why?

Because he is hiding from Nanao-chan, that's why.

Or at least trying.

He was cramped under the bench where a cloth draped over it like a mantle. He was hoping the cloth was not to thin as to reveal his_fashionably_ pink and floral cape, which was hopefully not peeking from under the bench. He was clutching a DVD case to his chest. It was the latest Hentai thing in the human world and there was no way he was going to give it to Nanao for her to dispose of.

He could see her walk around the room. Shunsui was holding his breath almost to the brink of changing color and he was lowering his reiatsu, even lower than hell itself.

Curse his addictions.

Shunsui could see her feet walk around the room. He did not know if the gods were hearing them but they better listen since his mind was shouting at them to let him watch the DVD in peace. He had no player, true. But he _will_ find a way to watch this "artful film" no matter what.

But before that, he must keep Nanao from getting her claws on his prized possession.

Shunsui wanted to look at the DVD he was holding on to but he dared not to move. Nanao was skillful in kidou, which meant she could control reiatsu well… which might as well mean that she was able to sense kidou _well_.

But, heck, he was Captain, wasn't he? Why was he scared of his Vice-Captain?

One, because she's scary. Two, she's got paper work for him. And three, she will totally, absolutely, undoubtedly and deliberately dispose of said Hentai DVD the moment she takes it. In fact, if looks could kill then that DVD would've been blasted to bits the moment she _saw_ it.

Looks could kill.

It didn't seem like he had used the phrase correctly back then but who cares? She was still in the room and his back was beginning to hurt. Plus his nose was starting to itch. God damn it, he must shave.

After he watched the film.

Why couldn't Nanao understand him? Didn't she have urges?

Can't answer the question. Her feet were towards him now.

Shunsui wanted to gulp but couldn't. Couldn't he just overpower the woman and shout at her and tell her, "I'm Captain! Do as I say!"

If he actually _could_ then he must have been able to have let her strip off that haori of hers a long time ago but no. He was not that kind of pervert. He was just a little perverted.

Little?

Okay, average.

Average pervert?

Fine, then a little above average pervert and he was not going any higher than that. He had some self-preservation even against his own conscience.

Oh, oh, the feet were coming towards him. His breathing was ceasing now.

Must not make any noise. Must not make any signs.

Shunsui, what did you study in the Academy for if you can't even keep yourself unseen by a woman?

Well, actually, he thought he'd see lots of girls in the Academy but it he had entered it when only several had yet enrolled. Yeah, he was a noble but he wasn't the clan leader and he was happy about it. Sheesh. Had he been the Kyouraku clan leader, he would have to look stupid wearing that kenseikan Byakuya wore. Not that he thought Byakuya was ugly. He was really sexy and all — Shunsui was not homo — but, well, he looked good with that kenseikan. Heck, maybe Byakuya was the only guy who would look good with kenseikan. He even looked like a noble even _without_ kenseikan! And Shunsui? Even he wore kenseikan up to his neck, he'd still look like a hermit off to steal women's underwear.

Yeah, he liked white and pink.

Ah! Nanao-chan was closer now! She was bending!

Impending doom! Impending doom!

But then there was shrieking outside. What was that? Ooooh, shrieking ladies!

Wait a minute. There was another pervert in Sereitei? And he was chasing ladies!

This could mean two things for Shunsui. One, he had an ally and two, he had a rival. Right now, he needed option number one. He could worry about option number two later… or never. Just… Just…

Just leave the precious DVD alone!

He was sick of paperwork. Honestly, why did souls have to have any paperwork at all? It's not like the have to pay income taxes in Rukongai or vote for next president or… or… Well, whatever. He just hated paperwork. He bet even old man Yamamoto up there hated paperwork.

Hah! Conclusion! That could be the _very_ reason why he passed down paper work to the other squads of the Gotei 13! His eyes were darkening and his one eye might be blind! And under those large muscles might be broken bones!

Great, Shunsui, you are driving yourself insane.

Nanao had straightened now and she was walking outside.

Yay! Yay!

She probably thought it was her Captain who was chasing the girls! Right, go out Nanao-chan. I will save you from that pervert when he chases after you when you see him but that will be after I get out of here and keep the DVD in a safe place.

Nanao went out in a bit of a hurry. She was heading for the direction of the shrieking girls. Shunsui waited until her sounds of departure ceased before he breathed out and gulped and eventually sneezed. Slowly, he stretched his limbs, lifting the bench so as he would not make noise. He moved slowly, making sure his _fashionably_ pink and floral cloak was not damaged since it was expensive. It was not as expensive as Byakuya's scarf but it was _still_ expensive!

Finally he got out, straightening his coat and straightening everything. And when he was sure he was safe, he stretched and whispered a small, "Yes!"

Nanao was not getting her hands on the DVD! Woot for him!

And in one flash step, Shunsui was gone.

Off to where?

To the Kuchiki mansion! It was the only place that had a DVD player in the whole of Sereitei after all.

He was just hoping Nanao-chan would not beat him to reaching the mansion first or the DVD would be as good as gone.

- End of Chapter 6 -

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Author: I enjoyed writing this. It's pretty short but I like it. Shunsui was fun… And I didn't realize his name was SHUNSUI and not SHINSUI. Omg, I am so embarrassing. I'm such a wuss. Sorry! Anyway thanks for reading! Please review! I would appreciate it if you do! 


	7. Komamura Sajin

**A Day In The Mind Of A Shinigami Captain**  
By Uchiha Xairylle

**Chapter 7: Komamura Sajin**

* * *

Different is one thing. Unique is another. Different is not wrong because different is just that — different. So, if things stood as they were, did Komamura Sajin, Captain of the 7th Division have the authority to snap at least bones in two?

No, because he was a mature and calm per— individual. It was not in his nature to result to violent actions when not necessary.

"I have to see my subordinates." He muttered as calmly as possible so as not to see the rather small fourth squad member that was looking up at him.

"B-b-but, sir, you can't."  
"Why not?"

The small man gulped, intimidated by Komamura's appearance as he muttered lowly, "Because animals are not allowed in here, sir."

What was that?

"That's Komamura-_taichou_!" the Captain roared and the young man backed a good three spaces, clutching to the doorpost nearby, "My subordinates are injured and you're telling me I'm _not_ allowed to see them because _animals are not allowed_! I'm the Seventh Squad Captain!"

Komamura was now growling, his teeth all out as if an angry dog, wait, no, he was a fox that was literally growling at a human-looking Shinigami who was hanging on to nothing more but a part of an infrastructure for dear life. Seriously, now, this is _why_ he had caged his head. Why did it have to break with that confrontation with Zaraki Kenpachi.

A lot of people complimented him on his move to remove the giant helmet that housed his identity. But somehow, the situation before him was nowhere close to being a compliment.

Animals are not allowed in here?

Something is seriously wrong with this world.

He could force his way in, really but then again, he was a mild, calm and mature pers—individual and he would not resort to forceful actions until deemed necessary. He only wanted to check on his subordinates.

He had asked to be allowed to at least speak to their Captain but Unohana Retsu-taichou was busy attending to the sick as well. Wonderful. The Vice-Captain, then? No, she was helping the Captain.

The next seated officer?

He was also busy.

What the hell, everyone in Sereitei was busy, eh?

"I'll say it again." Komamura sighed, "I am _CAPTAIN_ of the Seventh Squad. Why can't I enter? I have been in there for a lot of times before so why can't I enter _now_?"

"B-b-because, sir, animals are not allowed, s-sir."

Komamura scratched his ear heavily. The man did not seem to get his logic. Fortunately, there was one member who recognized him and told him to enter and that Unohana-taichou had special orders regarding him. Whatever those orders were, at least he was getting in this place. It was not like anyone of them suffered from dog flu or fleas or lice after he entered the first time when he had his helmet on.

Wait a minute, Unohana had special orders regarding him?

Komamura blinked as the 4th Squad member led him into a room and asked him to sit in a chair beside several apparatus that Komamura did not recognize. But the captain was a calm, mild and mature per—individual and he did not want to questions the proceedings of the squad. He sat down and made sure he _fit_ in the chair that was offered to him when he felt the back of his neck being touched by the squad member as if looking for something.

"What is this about?" Komamura asked without turning his head to look.

"Unohana-taichou's orders, sir." He replied, his hand patting the back of the Captain's neck.  
"And that would be?"

The squad member held up a syringe, "A rabies shot, sir."

But even before Komamura could utter a "What", the needle pierced him and there was a harsh, agitated and loud roar from the mild, calm and mature per— individual, Komamura Saijin-taichou.

- End of Chapter 7 -

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Author: This was especially challenging. My knowledge about Komamura is only as much as my knowledge about Tousen's so yet again, here's another short chapter! Seriously, the guy needs screen time! Thanks for reading! Hope you review! 


	8. Kuchiki Byakuya

**A Day In The Mind Of A Shinigami Captain**  
By Uchiha Xairylle

**Chapter 8: Kuchiki Byakuya**

* * *

Kuchiki Byakuya, the sexy and handsome Captain of the 6th Squad as well as the Kuchiki clan's 28th leader was now sitting in front of his desk and minding his own business when his fukutaichou stepped in with a box full of envelopes.

Those again.

Mail.

Byakuya sighed and gestured for Renji to put the box down. The red-haired lieutenant nodded, obeyed and left. Byakuya glimpsed at the box filled with mail. Surely, he would have one hell of a time sorting those. It was a mix of pure paperwork, clan mail and fan (girl) mail. Those girls were getting crafty. They were able to imitate the Gotei 13 seal. Not that it was too hard to copy, anyway. Who was the wise guy who thought up such a "seal" anyway? Shouldn't there be anything like "only a captain will be taught to do this swish with a brush" or something?

He was in this state of thinking when a hell butterfly flew in to deliver him a message: yet _another_ of Yamamoto's Captains' Meetings.

Great.

Byakuya waved and the butterfly fluttered away. He opened his drawer and placed some folders in before closing it again and standing up.

Shrriiiipppp!

Byakuya's calm eyes widened and his body froze.

What was that? He could've sworn it was a ripping sound. Should he ignore it? Perhaps. But his whole individuality told him to check up on whatever it was that was torn. That better be his captain's cape and not his "this-costs-as-much-as-ten-mansions" heirloom scarf.

Ta-dah!

It_was_ his scarf!

Byakuya clamped his lips together as his inner self released a high-pitch shrieked as it ran frantically around the little space in his head. He horribly looked at the piece of cloth that was sticking out of his drawer and slightly still attached to the rest of his scarf.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

OH, SHIT!

Byakuya's fingers reached out for the drawer and slowly pulled it open and gasped as the rest of the fabric fell out. He reached for the end and held it up. The entire scarf was not ruined but still…

The noble hurriedly rushed to a cabinet nearby and swung its door where a large mirror was fixed. Now what was a full-length mirror doing in a normal office cabinet of a noble Captain? Of course _not_ to check if his face was smooth, his hair was fine, his clothes were all right and that his god-forsaken expensive scarf was not tattered, which it was now!

Kuchiki Byakuya was not vain but he still cared about how he looked like. Was it a crime for him to look at the mirror and powder his face once in a while and comb his hair and fix his coat and look at the damn scarf which was so attracting too much attention!

Byakuya stared as his eyebrow twitched.

Well, it _still_ looked like a scarf.

Silence.

Byakuya looked at the dangling part at the end of his scarf.

Yes, it definitely looked like a _torn_ scarf! A torn silver-white windflower light silk that costs more than a million drawers made of gold! The scarf was a family heirloom costing as much as ten _mansions_!

Perhaps he could go without a scarf?

Hell,_no_! Didn't he just mention that this was a _heirloom_ and was as important as the kenseikan on his hair!

He could try. No one would notice, right?

Byakuya gulped and slowly undid the scarf off his neck and shoulders. He looked at his reflection on the mirror.

No!

He immediately flipped the scarf back on. That torn part was really ticking him off!

Byakuya breathed in. He was an able Captain trained to be calm and reserved so as he could think his way out of such situations.

And the torn scarf was an _urgent_ situation needing special and extra attention?

Well, of _course_! Just what kind of question was that!

Maybe he could just stitch it together. Byakuya's interest with sewing was on the same level as peeling potatoes using his teeth. But right now, it was a good option.

Grunting, he rummaged the drawers for a needle and thread. What the hell would a needle and thread be doing in a Captain's office? Well, he _must_ have something since he was supposed to be always prepared!

A few minutes of searching. No needle and thread.

God damn it. Perhaps he should get a few of Ukitake's strands and use that as thread. He wouldn't notice since the white-haired Captain was probably sick anyway. But that'd take too much time.

Where was the damn needle and thread! He remembered being poked by it and cursed the tiny pointed metal to the depths of Hueco Mundo when he saw his blood on his finger. Now that he actually needed it, it was gone.

If anyone would tell him "the needle cried and ran away because you hurt its feelings", he was going to ram all one thousand petals of Senbonzakura up that person's nose.

That is a promise.

But right now, his scarf was a disaster. He was not going into a meeting with a disaster over his shoulders!

There!

After making quite a mess out of his office, Byakuya finally found the needle and thread he had been looking for. He would have to ask Renji to fix the chaos later but right now, his scarf needed _attention_.

Sitting unceremoniously like Kurosaki Ichigo would, Byakuya looked at his scarf in determination. With a deep breath, he flew the needle through.

Yes, the needle he hadn't threaded yet.

Byakuya cursed a hundred times in his mind before getting the thread through the needle.

It was quite easy since he was pretty accurate and so, another deep breath and Byakuya thrust the needle through the fabric gently and pulled. Yes, he made sure the end of the string was knotted. There was one stitch and then another and then another and then… and then… and then…

He was done!

Byakuya held up his creation. Well, it looked like a scarf.

The Captain got up and looked in the mirror.

Yes, it looked like a scarf. It didn't look like a torn one…

But it looked like it had a zombie's lips! His stitching was nowhere close to sophisticated and as much as his mind was able to control Senbonzakura, it seemed that the needle did not want to cooperate with his fingers.

Big deal. He'd just have to try again.

Sitting down casually, Byakuya then began to "unstitch" the mending to do it again. The scarf was full of tiny holes when he was partly done. He had to use the scissors to cut several parts of the thread when they wouldn't come off. Unfortunately for him, scissors and swords both start with an "s" but are two different things.

Very and entirely different things.

Snip went the fabric!

Byakuya was unable to stifle the gasp.

Great, now there was an L-shaped gash on his "costs-more-than-your-life" scarf!

His mind was in panic and everything seemed to be in code red. A frustrated Byakuya hit the desk…

… while he was still holding the needle…

… point against his skin.

Unfortunately or fortunately, Byakuya did not turn into Sleeping Beauty upon being pricked by the lethal needle. Instead, he cursed as he looked at the red spot on his finger. Great. Screw the dumb ass who made needles able to penetrate through his reiatsu. He was Captain and he was pricked by a needle.

Drip!

OH HOLY SHIT!

Now not only did his scarf have an L-shaped gash, it also had red dots.

Yay for Kuchiki Byakuya's new fashion?

Byakuya grumbled, eyeing the disaster before him and decided to snip the destroyed end right off the scarf!

With the pair of shears in hand, Byakuya cut.

He held it up.

It was supposed to be "vertical" and not "inclined at an angle". Byakuya cursed and, holding up his scarf, he slowly tried — with all his concentration — to evenly straighten said cut.

Snip, snip, snip…

He could do this…

… If somebody had not knocked heavily on the door!

SHRIIIPP!!

Oh, not a nice sound. The scarf was now torn… again. He was back to scratch.

"Taichou, you are going to be late for the meeting!"

Byakuya cursed and flipped the undone scarf over his shoulder and went out.

"Taichou, what happened to your scarf?"

Byakuya glared and Renji backed, apologizing.

The next family heirloom will just be a _necktie_ for al he cared!

- End of Chapter 8 -

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Author: I had fun writing this! It's so random and a bit OC but I really like it! Byakuya-chan, you are so yummy-bishie-schmexy. One day, I will take you home with me. –smooches Byakuya- Anyway, hope you had fun reading it since I had fun writing it. Yay! Please review! 


	9. Aizen Sousuke

**A Day In The Mind Of A Shinigami Captain**  
By Uchiha Xairylle

**Chapter 9: Aizen Sousuke**

* * *

Aizen was looking at the small parchment in front of him. The letters seemed to sway and then blur then sway again. He drew it away and closed his eyes, sighing.

Curse astigmatism.

Slowly he opened his eyes and fixed his bang, which, he swore by heaven, hell, Sereitei and Hueco Mundo that he did _not_ imitate from Hitsugaya Toushirou. And, no, he was not a fan of Clark Kent or Superman!

Even_if_ he looked very different when wearing his glasses and when he wasn't!

He wasn't wearing them because he wouldn't look like a villain that he was. Besides, it was the director's decision.

"Aizen, villains don't wear frames as thick as those unless you want to look like Mandark."

Who the hell was Mandark?

Whoever that guy was, Aizen Sousuke would only choose to look like himself — Aizen Sousuke and nobody else.

Aizen looked at the parchment he was reading. Hougyoku instructions. Okay, so you're supposed to hold it out like this…

Aizen stretched out his arm whose hand was holding the Hougyoku above a Hollow.

So how do you access the next level of this thing again?

Think of something happy and fluffy and feel the energy run down from your head and to your shoulders as if a feather is tickling you to, well, um, make you laugh…

What?

With his opening jaw, his fingers loosened and the Hougyoku fell like a marble on the ground. Aizen gasped as the other Hollows scampered for it and he had to kick them off before any of them could grab the prized invention. Grunting, Aizen picked up the Hougyoku and reread the instructions.

Think of something happy and fluffy and feel the energy run down from your head and to your shoulders as if a feather is tickling you to, well, um, make you laugh…

He was sure it was that. There was no mistake.

What was to come next?

… And make your reiatsu climb from the soles of your feet and up to your knees until you feel the need to do the boogie.

What the hell?

Aizen cursed as he dropped the Hougyoku again from his disappointment. He fumbled for it as it bounced like it was going to break against the ground. The Hollows were after it as well and Aizen had to kick some of them off… again.

Dusting himself and making sure the Hougyoku was still fine, he went back to reading the instructions.

Where was he?

Right, the boogie.

And when you feel the need to do the boogie then don't. Instead shake your hips to increase the climbing pace of your reiatsu.

What the hell was this instruction manual talking about?

By the time the reiatsu is up to your chest, you will feel like you will want to do the chicken dance.

"What the f—"

Aizen dropped the Hougyoku again and he stopped it with his foot from rolling farther. With an aggravated sigh, he picked it up.

This thing was going to break even before he could use it.

God damn it, Urahara. Chicken dance?

Aizen checked the manual again. Where did he stop reading?

Chicken dance.

Right.

… You will feel like you will want to do the chicken dance. By all means, do so and do so until you feel tired. And since you took time to read up to the end of the prologue then let me congratulate you.

Aizen blinked.

Say the incantation out loud: Ai-hem-han-hi-jot.

Ai-hem-han-hi-jot.

Aihem-hanhi-jot.

Aihemhanhijot.

I AM AN IDIOT!!

And in fine print: There's a separate manual for the next level, smart ass.

"OH, GOD DAMN YOU, URAHARA!"

An annoyed Aizen stomped and threw the manual on the floor and the Hougyoku as well. He gasped as the round thing bounced and rolled off. Aizen found himself racing for it along with several Hollows. Yes, he had to resort to slashing some since Aizen _was_ selfish and violent... right?

Right.

Landing chest first, Aizen caught the Hougyoku, caving around it with his hands as he slumped his head.

"Oh? What are you doing there? Catching frogs?"

That was Gin Ichimaru's voice.

"Gin, would you just get Ulquiorra and tell her to get that Inoue Orihime here."  
"What for?"  
"Just do it. The Hougyoku's been _worn out from being used._"

Gin shrugged and left. Aizen grunted.

"May fleas infest your armpits, Urahara."

And in a shop somewhere in the human world was a "sexy shop keeper" who sneezed.

"Someone must be talking about me." Urahara said.  
"Just because you sneezed means someone's actually talking about you." Jinta replied lazily.  
"No, my armpits itch."

- End of Chapter 9 -

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Author: I never thought I'd write up something like _this_ for Aizen Sousuke. I surprised myself. This is disturbing… at least for me. And yet still funny… yet again, at least for me. Hope you likiesh! Thank you for reading and please review this chapter! 


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